Vex King is a Sunday Times Bestseller and a leading voice on the art of self-compassion. After appearing at our Live Well Festival, in conversation with our CEO Viv Paxinos, about the importance of self-love for high performance, Vex delves into how self-confidence can bring us success in our personal lives and careers.
What role does self-compassion/self-love play in the success of our lives and careers?
Self-compassion and self-love play a pivotal role in the success of our lives and careers. They are the foundation upon which we build our sense of worth, resilience, and the courage to pursue our dreams.
When we practise self-compassion, we treat ourselves with the same gentleness and understanding that we would extend to a dear friend facing difficulty. We recognise that we are human beings- imperfect, and fallible. Our mistakes and struggles do not define us.
Self-love, on the other hand, is about doing what is necessary to return to a sense of wholeness. This could include accepting and appreciating ourselves fully, flaws and all. Or, it might mean going to therapy, fulfilling a hobby, or simply having a down moment. As written in my latest book, self-love is “the daily promise to prioritise our mind, body and spiritual well-being, in whatever way that presents itself.”
When we love ourselves, we set healthy boundaries, prioritise our well-being, and make choices that align with our values, aspirations, and best selves. Aligned choices bring about fulfilling results.
In the context of our careers, self-compassion and self-love are essential for navigating the ups and downs of professional life. They give us the resilience to bounce back from setbacks, the confidence to take risks and pursue new opportunities, and the wisdom to learn from our mistakes and keep growing.
Moreover, when we approach our work from a place of self-love and self-compassion, we bring our whole selves to the table. We are more authentic, creative, and empathetic, and we inspire others to do the same.
On a deeper level, self-compassion and self-love are about recognising our worth is not contingent on our achievements or external validation. They remind us that we are enough, just as we are, and that our value lies in our inherent humanity, not in our job titles or bank accounts. With the release of this pressure, we are able to remain flexible, and adaptable, and thrive as we are.
How can self-compassion help us in overcoming setbacks in our careers and life more generally?
Setbacks and challenges are an inevitable part of life and career, but self-compassion can be a powerful tool in helping us navigate these difficult moments with greater ease and resilience.
When we face a setback, our first instinct might be to criticise ourselves and to focus on our failures and shortcomings. However, this self-judgement only serves to compound our pain and keep us stuck in a negative cycle. Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows us to approach our struggles with softness and understanding.
This mindset shift alone can be incredibly powerful in helping us maintain a sense of perspective and hope in the face of adversity.
Moreover, self-compassion gives us the emotional resilience to bounce back from setbacks more quickly and effectively.
In the context of our careers, self-compassion can be particularly valuable. It allows us to maintain a sense of motivation and engagement, even in the face of disappointments or failures. It helps us communicate our needs and boundaries more effectively, and to advocate for ourselves with greater confidence and clarity.
What are some habits we can practise daily to reframe our outlook and break negative thought patterns?
Cultivating positive habits and practices is essential for reframing our outlook and breaking negative thought patterns. Here are some simple, yet powerful, techniques you can incorporate into your daily routine.
1. Take a few moments each morning before you start your day to reflect on the things you're grateful for, no matter how small. It often helps to write these things down in a notebook or journal. Gratitude bridges the gap between expectation and reality – it sends a soft signal to ourselves that what we have is enough.
2. This practice is a great way to tackle doubt and fear of the unknown:
1. Find a jar or container. If desired, decorate it with stickers, washi tape, or ribbons to make it visually appealing. Call it your "Success Jar."
2. Think of past successes, no matter how small, and write each one down on a piece of paper or post-it note. Successes can include completing a task, reaching a goal, receiving a compliment, or any moment that makes you feel proud of yourself.
3. Fold each paper and place it in the jar.
4. Over time, continue adding your successes to the jar. You can do this daily, weekly, or whenever you feel like acknowledging an achievement.
5. Whenever you're feeling self-doubt or need a boost of confidence, reach into the jar and read a few of your successes. This will remind you of your accomplishments and help combat negative self-talk.
Faith over fear - sometimes all you need are concrete reminders/proof/evidence that you can get through it (like you always have).
3. Use your five senses to connect with the present moment, such as feeling the texture of an object or listening to the sounds around you. When we are present, we are not burdened by the activities of our mind.
Alternatively, incorporate mindfulness techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or yoga into your daily routine. These practices help you cultivate present-moment awareness, reduce anxiety, and develop a greater sense of calm and clarity.
4. When assumptions, projections, and doubts arise, talk back to them.
Here are a few examples of how to challenge your own thoughts, find your inner truth, and begin to shape the narrative.
Insecurity: “I’ll never get this position. I don’t fit the bill of qualifications.”
Awareness: “Is that so? But they’ve thoroughly reviewed my application and resume and were impressed enough to give me a call. It’s possible that I’m exactly what they’re looking for.”
Assumption: “It’s been three hours since I sent that last text. I guess the chemistry wasn’t what I thought it was. They just aren’t interested.”
Awareness: “They’re probably busy. That date was so fun. I can’t wait to talk again; I’m curious to see if we align.”
Fear: “I’ll always be anxious around other people. I’m a nervous person, and I’m missing out on so much of my life because of it.”
Awareness: “My anxiety is a hurdle that I will overcome as I’ve overcome many setbacks in life. Despite the anxiety, I am capable of connecting and worthy of love and friendships.”
Affirmations are a powerful tool for rewriting your mind’s dialogue. So I’ll leave you with one now.
Affirm: I am a witness to my thoughts, a modifier of my mood, the conductor of my response, and the life force that sees past my mind’s projections.
5. Move your body. You don’t need a gym membership or to sign up for the turbo-ultra-pilates-ballet class. Go for a walk or dance in your socks. The body is full of stress-reducing hormones that are activated by movement. Move, wiggle, and jump, your way to stress relief. As soon as you feel your jaw tighten, shoulders hiking up to your ears and the desk slouch set in, hit that playlist and dance. You might look ridiculous, but you’ll feel amazing.
6. Surround yourself with positivity: Make a conscious effort to surround yourself with positive, uplifting influences. This might mean seeking out supportive relationships, reading inspiring books or articles, or engaging in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment.
7. Practice self-care: Prioritise activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. This might include getting enough rest, eating nourishing foods, engaging in regular exercise, or pursuing hobbies and interests that bring you a sense of purpose and meaning.
Remember, building new habits and thought patterns takes time and practice. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work to reframe your outlook and cultivate a more positive, resilient mindset.
Your new book is all about building healthy relationships with others and ourselves, what are some ways we can cultivate richer relationships?
Taken directly from my book:
“Every relationship is different, and there’s no external model you should be following, even if society can make us feel that way. It’s more important to pay attention to how you feel in the relationship, and how it honours your needs and allows you space to grow than it is to use external benchmarks.
What you will find is that a meaningful and mindful relationship is one that is RICH – an acronym for the four pillars of Respect, Intimacy, Communication and Honesty. By implementing these, you have a great chance at sustaining a precious bond.
Respect
Maintain respect in every action towards and conversation with each other and yourself. This is especially important when you’re at odds or emotionally charged. Basically, at times when it’s most challenging to uphold.
Intimacy
Intimacy isn’t just a by-product of a relationship – it’s something you have to invest in if you’re going to keep it alive. Honour intimacy to establish emotional and physical closeness. And if sex is important to you, keep that fire alive, even if you have to try out different things to reignite passion.
Communication
Speak often about what’s working, what isn’t, and how you feel. Don’t assume or try to make your partner guess. Keep respect in mind, too, as you communicate. Allow both of you to be seen, heard and understood.
Honesty
Be honest in the process, even if it means having difficult conversations. Honesty ensures we are making the right decisions for ourselves and the needs of the relationship.”