How do you respond when someone praises your work? As women, gender stereotypes can force us to act humble rather than deserving in the face of a compliment. Here, journalist Sarah Shaffi reveals what happened when she started to keep a work 'praise' folder to help her tackle these feelings.

The email, consisting of just a few short paragraphs and sent by a senior manager, was waiting for me when I logged on to my computer at 8am. “Sarah, thank you for writing this,” it began. “I loved it.” As I read on, I felt my endorphin levels rising. And I also felt something else: a surge of confidence, a feeling of power.  Before I knew it, I had created a new folder in my Outlook and moved that email into it. Since then, I’ve added myriad more emails from colleagues and strangers, and also now have a folder on my desktop with the same title, where I save screenshots of tweets, Instagram messages and more. In doing so, I’ve reassessed my relationship not just to compliments, but to the way I speak about my work as a whole.

Like many women, I was, until very recently, a pro at brushing off compliments. I would demur and say it was a team effort when someone said "that was great", I'd ignore praise and move awkwardly on after receiving it, and I'd use the phrase “oh, it wasn’t that good” when complimented. “People’s stereotypes about gender mean that they expect women to walk a knife's edge between being warm and helpful and not being confident or boastful,” Aneeta Rattan, associate professor in organisational behaviour at London Business School and founder of CareerEqually, tells AllBright. “Many women learn that they have to over-emphasise humility – even when they deserve praise – because otherwise they face backlash for not fitting the stereotypes. Wasting time and energy monitoring how you’re viewed is draining. "Deflecting compliments can leave women seeming unconfident, which colleagues can hold against women. And not taking ownership of our contributions can leave women feeling less qualified and competent than they should.”

I’m not alone in deflecting compliments; as a journalist I’ve encountered many women who rebuff praise and pass over opportunities to talk about their work. When I’ve asked men and women for interviews or comments for articles, women are more likely to say they don’t feel qualified or, if they do answer, they apologise, warning me that they might sound silly.  This, of course, is one of the many aspects of imposter syndrome; career and leadership coach and author of , Kathy Caprino, tells AllBright that our “inclination is to internalise that you got to where you are by other means such as luck or being in the right place at the right time.”  I’ve certainly felt that, even if deep down I know it’s not true. I’ve worked in mostly male dominated spaces, or places where men were in charge, and as a British Pakistani woman, I’ve also often been one of the few women of colour in an office. There’s always been an air -unprovable, but there - that my gender coupled with my ethnicity means that if I rocked the boat by confidently owning my accomplishments as a product of hard work and talent rather than luck, I’d risk being seen in a negative light by (older, white, male) colleagues.

As well as imposter syndrome, I’ve always thought this is partly down to the confidence gap, the idea that women are less self-assured than men. “Confidence is an attribute stereotypically afforded to men (in the traditional gender binary) - it is naturally withheld from women," Rattan explains. "That means that for women to be confident, and actually express it, they are engaging in counter-stereotypic behaviour and they risk backlash and censure,” she continues. “You can see this most clearly when you think about the fact that the so-called confidence gap is specific to certain aspects of work – those that are most prized, most associated with leadership, and most likely to get you a promotion. “That’s why many women who do feel confident about their abilities feel the need to conceal that – which in certain work cultures has the potential to backfire and harm their career progression.  “When I speak with companies or leaders and they ask about the confidence gap, I always ask them how much their procedures, policies, and people are set up to value and celebrate confidence in women. If we had more contexts like that, we might not see as much of a so-called confidence gap.”

I can’t single-handedly change how workplaces are set up, but I can contribute to a change by being confident in my work, and by doing so show other women that there’s no harm in being confident about theirs. Rattan says that there’s “great value in keeping a book of your wins”. She adds: “There’s an exercise where people get stories about themselves from leaders they work with, their peers, and their subordinates – not just any stories, though. These stories are all reflections on real interactions where the person was at their best in the eyes of those around them. The experience of receiving these stories – live, from people you already work with – is really profound for students, regardless of whether they are women or men.”

But learning to accept praise still requires practice; like running a 5k, you have to exercise a muscle that gets stronger with time. Initially, I felt embarrassment at reading the emails and screen grabs I’d kept (even though no one could see me doing so), but the more I did it, the easier it got. And when I started noticing a difference in the way I spoke about my work, I knew it was making a difference. Soon, I was saying "thank you" when someone complimented a project, instead of brushing their words off with, "oh, it was nothing" or "it wasn’t that good". I was getting rid of apologies in emails (no more "I’m sorry to bother you but I just…" from me). The biggest evidence of my attitude change was in a recent covering letter I wrote for a freelance job; each sentence was assertive and there were no qualifiers about my list of accomplishments, as there would have been before. I’ve found that often the knowledge that the praise exists is enough to give me a boost, although I still take a peek at what’s in those folders on a semi-regular basis. Caprino turns to her folder, titled 'happy’, when she’s “having a challenging or down day”. She adds: “Rereading praise or compliments is a great way to reinforce our strengths and be reminded of the great contributions we’ve made.” When I’m struggling to write an article, feeling creatively blocked, or having a day when I feel like all my professional life consists of is endless meetings, I’ll still dip in to the ‘praise’ folder. The emails and screenshots are a reminder that I’ve done amazing work before, and help me assert to myself that I can do brilliantly again. And again. And again.

Four tips for creating an effective ‘praise’ folder

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