Who:

Broadcast Journalist

Where:

Glasgow

What:

One woman realised that enough was finally enough...

It should have been my dream job. I was the head of content for a radio station I loved.

But even when I took the role, I had a sinking feeling – after fifteen years in the industry I knew the workload would be huge, I knew there would be internal politics, I knew I’d have no life and would be on an emotional rollercoaster daily – and I knew I’d have to try and cope with it all, without showing that there was anything wrong. 

I loved the industry as a fresh-faced, idealistic intern. But with every job, every rung of the ladder climbed, my soul and idealism grew weary. I worked hard to prove myself and moved up the ladder relatively quickly and kept my head down. But in every job, as is widely the case in this industry, there was somebody who saw my reluctance to speak up as a point to exploit. One senior team member would audibly critique my work to put me down, at one point towering over me, shouting at me, as I cowered at my desk. In another role a producer on another channel was so neurotic and convinced I’d take his job that he invented stories about me and fed them back to my boss who believed them. At another station the entire department routinely went out for lunch most days and didn’t invite me. And yet I said nothing. I felt lucky to have my job, so I never said a word – and from the outside I seemed fine with it all.

After over a decade of this, I finally got that dream job on a station I loved – but I felt nothing. My worries? How long can I keep working 6 days a week, trying to exact some control over my life? How long can I live in fear of being pulled up for the smallest of errors, second guessing myself, with anxiety levels on overload? That’s when the real darkness crept in, without me even noticing. I stopped working 6 days a week and did the minimum. I’d burst into tears as soon as I got home and was alone, just because it was the only moment I had to sit with myself and realise how utterly miserable I was.

The big moment came sat at my computer, unable to type up the week’s agenda. The screen becoming blurry, I just couldn’t move. It felt like all my senses had shut down. I spoke to my manager, was signed off for a month to catch my breath, was put on medication and paid for weekly therapy sessions. When I came back to work that horrible sinking feeling prevailed again. And it wasn’t paranoia this time. They were unsupportive at one of the hardest moments of my life. So, I made the choice to walk away. It came to a choice between my mental health and my job – and I finally chose the former. But that wasn’t easy. I felt a loss of self, identity and plenty of anger – that affected me for almost a whole year afterwards.

That was five years ago, and now I can’t believe looking back that I’d let myself be treated like that at any point in my career. As a result, I do find studios hard to be in - so work from home if and when I can. I just feel so sad for my younger self not feeling like she could speak up, but I’m so glad to be as mentally resilient as I am now. It wasn’t worth it to get to this place, but I’m here now and I’m happier than ever before. Leaving my dream job was the best thing I ever did.

3 ways to cope with depression in a hectic environment with Clinical Psychologist Dr.​ Tina Mistry

1 “Compassion is king. Understand that depression is a sign telling you that something is not right and that you need care in your life. If you can, speak to a trusted colleague, EAP or your boss. Explain you need support and take it.”

2 “If you are drowning with deadlines – make room for you to say “not now” to any additional demands. You are burnt out and need rest.”

3 “Sometimes the system is damaged (the culture of where you work) and despite people being as well-meaning as they can be, the system (HR and business needs) struggle to understand mental health. Prioritise your mental health above all.”