Whenever I write an email, I write it straight and then I go back in and I kind of soften it up...  

And by that I mean, I pepper my communications with phrases like:

“I know you’re slammed, but…” “Hope you don’t mind…” “Sorry to pester, but just wondering….” “No problem if this is not possible but…”

In my mind, these phrases make the email warmer. Friendlier. Perhaps less likely to trigger an angry or irate response in members of my under-resourced team who might be feeling the pressure that day.  It seems that without realising it, I am in business of mood management.

I’ve always been someone who takes the temperature of the chair when I enter a room. Checking for bad moods, tensions and potential spots of awkwardness. And I wish I didn’t do this, because while it often helps with my job (one where I regularly need to put myself in other people’s shoes), it is exhausting. It is distracting. And according to one friend I was discussing this with last week following some cartoons I stumbled across poking fun at this exact behaviour, it makes me a push over.

“Is being considerate of other people’s situations a sign I’m a push over? Really?” I challenged, bristling.

“Maybe no a push over. But it’s not considerate,” he said. “And it’s not even true. Half the time when you’re offering people an opt-out, it’s not genuine. You need them to do the thing…” True. So so true.

Once you see the apologies and mitigating-statements in texts and emails, it’s impossible to unsee. Which I have found annoying and difficult. Firstly, because I do them without even thinking. And secondly, who am I if not the considerate and flexible colleague? Turns out, I might be one on a more promising career trajectory.

Research shows that women apologize more than men (which is basically what all my phrases amount to) and it’s just one of many ways we are conditioned to play small. We are conditioned to promote harmony. We are conditioned to take responsibility for the feelings of the chair. And it can get in the way of getting stuff done. 

Beyond spotting the pattern, I realise I need to reframe what being more direct is really about. It is not rude or inconsiderate. It is honest and clear. It creates genuine expectations in others, based on what you actually need from them…rather than constantly managing how you want them to see you or avoiding conflict. And experts also believe that by being clear without the softening language, you not only appear more confident but are more likely to enjoy the confidence of others in your own abilities.

The part of all this I struggle with, even though I truly want to be genuine and clear and strong, is that we also know likability matters when it comes to women. Without the niceties, women are judged by a different yard stick…still. We are often seen as brash and pushy. And part of shifting language and being more direct is perhaps about getting comfortable with that notion.

So, I’m going cold turkey. Wish me luck (although no problem if you don’t feel like it).

Dammit. Old habits die hard.