Every parent has been warned, "just wait until they're teenagers". But what happens when the teen years start approaching?

Courtney Adamo is in the thick of it. The eldest of her five children is now 16, and a year ago, like so many parents before her, she started looking for answers. Having studied journalism, she sought out experts, read books, listened to podcasts, and called on her 275k+ following on Instagram to share their teen and tween insights.

She's distilled her findings into a new online course for parents, In The Loop: Tweens & Teens. Registations are now open, and the course begins on August 2nd. Here, she shares an excerpt with AllBright.

Don't forget to sign up for our live virtual event with Courtney next Wednesday 28th July at 8pm AEST/11am GMT. Sign up for free here

Course Introduction

Five children and sixteen years into this parenting journey you’d think I’d have most of the answers, but I don’t. What goes on in the minds of my teens and tweens still confounds me daily. Why is it I have to ask them repeatedly, day after day, week after week, not to leave their wet towel on their bedroom floor? Is it down to forgetfulness, carelessness, a lack of consideration for others or outright scorn for my authority? Why do I have to remind them to stop poking fun at each other, remarking about a blemish or ridiculing the other’s clothing? Don’t they know what that feels like? How should I respond to my eldest’s request to attend a nighttime party with other teens? Do I trust him to make responsible choices or do I protect him from the possibility he’ll make bad ones?

The truth is, I’m no closer to having all of the answers than I was when I was put into a London taxi with newborn Easton and sent home to raise a completely dependent human being with not much more than instinct and my own personal experience of being raised.

These feelings of inadequacy set me off on a year of research, thought and discovery. During this time I read book after book on parenting teens, watched countless videos, listened to dozens of podcasts and interviewed experts, including psychologists, neuroscientists, childhood development experts and other parents. As all of this information began to crystallise in my mind, I realised I could put it together in a useful form for others. I could offer it as an online course for other parents raising teens and tweens.

What I discovered, and I hope to show you in this course, is that being a good parent to your teens or tweens is not about having all of the answers. That would literally be impossible as every child is different, every parent is different and everyone’s circumstances are different. What is helpful for my teens may not be beneficial for yours, and vice versa. No, it’s not about having answers. Kids and life are much too complex to distill it down to that. 

Instead, it’s about a few guiding principles. Firstly, it’s about relationships -- your very personal, very idiosyncratic relationship with your teen or tween. To be good parents to our teens, we must prioritise and work on these relationships. We must strive to keep our teens close, even when they want to push us far away. At the same time, we must let them create distance, explore autonomy and cut the ties of childhood. Sounds a bit contradictory? Just wait. There’s oh so much more!

The second principle is compassion. We must feel compassion for our teens in order to help them navigate adolescence. Compassion literally means to ‘suffer together.’ When we experience the suffering of our teens with compassion, we become more patient and more disposed to help them. This is not pity. Though there may be moments where that feeling is applicable, what they are going through is totally normal. It is the result of physiological changes that all humans go through in adolescence. When we begin to understand these changes, not only what is going on in their lives (school, peer pressure, etc.) but the actual physical changes that are going on in their bodies and brains, we feel more compassion for our teens.

Finally, those physical changes, particularly brain growth, present a unique and fleeting opportunity for parents.  We can literally shape the way our teenagers’ brains develop. As Bettina Hohnen, Jane Gilmour & Tara Murphy say in their book, The Incredible Teenage Brain, “teaching life skills and healthy habits at this time is likely to have life-long benefits”. We need to show up for our kids during this critical phase of their development. It’s not always easy, with all of the other stresses and distractions life throws at us, but we have a relatively short, very finite period of time when we can make a huge impact on their lives; an exciting and daunting prospect.

With all that is at stake, I spent a lot of time debating whether or not I was the right person to deliver this vital information. I’m not a scientist, a psychologist or even a relationship expert. However, I am a parent and I am deeply passionate about this topic. In the end I felt a compulsion to share it with others. So I called upon my training as a journalist to find the right sources, ask the right questions and assimilate the information in a way that is accurate and useful to other parents. Further, I understood that social media provides me with the unique ability to gather a community of participants from around the world. This ‘global’ aspect is such a fascinating part of this course to me. We get to learn from each other, across oceans and cultures, discussing topics in a supportive, helpful and enlightening community forum. I think that’s pretty great and I thank you for taking this journey with me. 

1. Living with teens

Before we dive deep into the bodies, brains, minds and emotions of our teens and tweens, we should probably pause and congratulate ourselves for getting them here. Parenting a child of any age is no walk in the park. If you’re finding it more difficult than ever now that you have an adolescent, it’s probably because you’ve done such a good job so far. A healthy teen is an inquisitive, curious, doubting, risk-taking, contradiction-spotting, authority-questioning being. Rather than being frustrated by these (often infuriating) qualities, we can take satisfaction in knowing this is exactly how teens are meant to be (and you were probably much the same). So congratulations! You made it here. 

I will be mentioning my teens and tween throughout this course, so I should probably introduce them. Easton, our eldest, is 16. He’s an active, gregarious kid with a passion for surfing, fishing and exercise. He’s very social, with a large group of friends, and places a lot of value in these relationships. Quin, our second child, is 14. He’s a wonderfully thoughtful and studious young man with a passion for books, crafts and all things creative. He has a few very close friends, but is not at the stage of going out with them at night or for daytime hangs. Ivy, our eldest daughter, is 12. Like Quin, she’s passionate about books, crafts and especially illustration. The two of them have become very close over the last year, especially as Easton separates himself from the family unit. Ivy also has a close circle of friends, a quirky sense of humour and a quiet confidence that we hope will survive adolescence. And of course, to make the situation even more complex, interesting and wonderful, we have two younger children. Marlow, 8, and Wilkie, 4, are both very spirited kids. They are growing up faster than we’d like, due in part to the influence of their bigger siblings. But hey, that’s life in the big family! I should say, all three big kids are aware that I am writing and discussing them in this course and have agreed to it. 

 I also want to mention gender as I know it is a very topical subject in the US and other countries. Though many books on teenagers are gender specific, I want to recognise that the picture is not that simple. We can all carry masculine and feminine traits. In my research, I have found traits described as specific to one gender are also applicable to the other. Many books about teenage girls, for example, have had helpful insights for my boys, and vice versa. This is not to criticise those books, but rather to encourage you to read books and articles on both genders, even if you only are a parent to one. Where generalisations are used in this course, they come from the research I’ve done more than my own personal experience. 

It’s All About Relationships

While parenting is a complex and challenging task even at the best of times, most parents would argue that it is also one of the most rewarding and fulfilling life experiences. As our kids reach adolescence the level of difficulty is dialled up a few more notches, but then so too is the potential for enrichment and satisfaction. One of the key principles of parenting teens and tweens is maintaining a close relationship with them during these times, even if they do not always make that easy. 

Making your relationship with your teen a priority is one of the main themes in Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate’s insightful book, Hold on to Your Kids. The authors ask us to  remember, despite what our children do to disappoint us or violate our values, to continually show them that they are more important than what they do; that our relationship with them matters more than conduct or achievement. Maintaining a relationship based on unconditional love is, perhaps, the most important thing we can do as parents. 

As noted, this is easier said than done, especially when our teens start taking out their anger, frustration and angst on the people they love and trust the most: their parents and families. One downside of their fast growing brain and intellect, is an astute understanding of what triggers us. We should expect to have all of our shortcomings and contradictions highlighted during these years, all of our buttons pushed (perhaps we should look at this as an opportunity for personal development). Still, our teens really do want to be around us. They still need and seek out our attention and approval. Lorraine Candy, author of ‘Mum, What’s Wrong With You?’ 101 Things Only Mothers of Teenage Girls Know captures this paradoxical state beautifully,  “I have found it is sometimes like being in a room with a wasp: they are constantly buzzing around you, drawn to you like wasps to sugar, potentially about to sting at any moment. This, you just have to endure.” 

Putting priority on the relationship requires us to stop taking things personally. We need to dig deep to try to understand what’s going on for our child, and focus on our relationship with them. When we have a good relationship with our child, all of the challenges are easier to navigate. As with our most important and intimate relationships, this one requires work, patience and understanding. Here are twelve tips for keeping our adolescent children close and our relationships with them strong.

12 Relationship Tips for Keeping Our Teens Close

1.     Keep Hugging Them 

If you stop hugging your teens regularly, the hugs can start to feel weird. Don't let them feel weird! Your teens might act like they don't want your hugs, but deep down inside most do. If hugging feels awkward, you can try other ways to keep physical contact. Maggie Dent tells a story of how she used to plop herself down on top of her boys on the sofa or step on their toes in the hallway in a funny, joking way, just to stay physically connected to her boys. I love this! She also suggests head ruffles, play punches on the arm, high fives, etc.

2.     Talk About Everything, Even the Embarrassing & Uncomfortable

We have always spoken openly about sex with our kids, but as they get older new topics arise which can be more uncomfortable to discuss, such as porn, masturbation, sexual harassment, consent, sexual orientation, etc. We have found that the more comfortable we are when talking to our children about these topics, the more comfortable they are and the more questions they ask. One of my main desires as a parent is to raise children who feel like they can talk to me about anything. Even when a topic is actually awkward for me to discuss, I will try my best to make it comfortable for them.

3.     Talk Less, Listen More Sometimes

When our children are upset, they just need to vent. They don’t always need our advice, wisdom or solutions.  It sounds simple, but just let them talk. Of course you can acknowledge what they’re saying with an ‘I see’ or ‘I understand’, or you can ask questions like ‘why do you think you feel this way?’ or ‘what do you think might be going on for that other child to act this way to you?’

I have also discovered, sadly, that my children don’t necessarily want to hear about my own teenage experiences. It’s like they think it happened so long ago that it can’t possibly be relevant to what they’re experiencing. I get it though. Teenagers need to feel separate from us -- their experiences feel totally and utterly unique to them. So it’s often best to save the personal anecdotes for another time or audience. 

4.     Seize Opportunities to Talk One-on-One

One of my favourite opportunities to talk to my boys is when we are in the car together. There's no backing away, slinking into your bedroom or finding excuses not to chat when you are in the car. It also feels more spontaneous than, for example, walking into their bedroom for a chat, which can sometimes make them seize up and go quiet. 

5.     Find a Shared Hobby, Interest or Activity

We are lucky to have surfing as a shared family passion. It’s something we all enjoy, pretty much year round. I especially love when our boys ask Michael or me if we'll take them for an early morning or late afternoon surf. This is time together, away from the rest of the family, doing something we both love. It's not your typical sort of bonding, but there is closeness in being out in the ocean together (and I think it secretly fills them with pride when we get a good wave). See if you can find a sport, hobby or activity you both enjoy and can do together. It can be anything -- art, music, journaling, board games, whatever. Growing up, my dad and I always played cribbage. We sat across the kitchen table from each other and could talk without the pressure of ‘having a chat’. Still to this day, this is one of my favourite activities to do with my dad. 

6.     Eat Together as a Family

Family dinners are a non-negotiable in our house and they always have been. Though not every family’s schedule allows this, my advice would be to make it a priority whenever you can. We sit down every evening to eat together and we stay put until we're all finished -- it is a time to reflect on the day, to hear what everyone has been up to, to ask what they learned at school or to discuss the issues of the day. We try to avoid doing any parental nagging at the dinner table (like, 'Have you done your homework? Did you put your laundry away like I asked? I got an email from your teacher saying you’re not focusing in class', etc.). Instead, it is a time for positive conversations; we want our kids to feel completely comfortable here.  

7.     Inject Humour or Lightness

Sometimes when one of our teens says something rude or snippy to us, instead of getting angry or escalating the situation, we'll make a joke or do something silly to lighten the mood, like giving them a big hug. Obviously, if they continue to be rude, we may have to get more serious, but humour can be a good way to diffuse the situation before that happens.

8.     Resist the Urge to Challenge Back

Years ago, my friend Melanie offered me some advice that I’ll never forget. She told me that it’s really normal for teens to challenge their parents, even over something trivial or absurd, like the colour of the sky. Instead of challenging back, which only adds fuel to the fire, we should simply say something like, 'oh, it’s so interesting we see it differently'. We can allow them their opinion, even if we might disagree with it. She mentioned that tweens and teens are often, unknowingly, fishing for a conflict. When their parents bite their hook, they start to reel us in and the situation escalates. If we can avoid biting, we will be able to navigate this phase much more easily. I guess another way of saying this is, pick your battles.

9.     Put Your Phone Down 

Obviously there is a time and a place for phones, but when our kids are with us, especially our tweens and teens, they can be an unhelpful distraction. Our teens know when we are actively listening and giving them our full attention. They need to fully connect with us to feel safe and loved. It’s impossible to hear all that they are saying or to observe their body language and tone with our phone in hand. We also want to set an example, demonstrating when and how to use these devices responsibly. How can we ask our kids to put down their phones and give us their full attention if we can’t do the same for them?

10.  Watch the Shouting

I say ‘watch’ the shouting because I know how hard it is to stop it all together. However, I think avoiding shouting is more important in the teenage years than ever. I’ve noticed my teenagers are actually more sensitive to shouting than when they were younger. Sometimes, even when I’m not shouting but raising my voice, they’ll say ‘stop shouting!’. I have learned the best approach is to remember to keep my voice calm and the volume down. On the flipside, if my kids are speaking in a disrespectful manner, volume or tone, or I see their energy levels escalating, I will try to say something like, ‘l am not speaking to you in that manner, so please don’t speak to me that way.” Granted, this is not easy for me as my natural instinct is to get angry and want to shout back. 

Also, I try  to remember that my actions are teaching my kids how to parent. If I don’t want my kids to be shouty with their kids, I need to modify my own behaviour now.

11.  Set Boundaries

Teens are wired to push the boundaries but they actually need them as much as younger kids. It sounds counterintuitive, but when our teens have boundaries they feel more supported. But, it’s important to have conversations about the boundaries you set -- to discuss the reasoning behind them. When we take the time to talk about the boundaries, our kids usually respect them more.

Of course, boundaries needn’t be immovable or inflexible. As your kids mature or your family situation changes, it’s okay to rethink the boundaries. Just keep talking about them,  showing our kids we value their input while at the same time keeping them safe. 

12.  Tell Them You Love Them

I took note the other day of how many times I say 'I love you' to our toddler compared to how many times I say it to our teenagers. You can imagine the difference! It is so important for our teenagers to know we love them, because they are already dealing with so many issues of self-doubt and insecurities. The more teens feel loved, the easier it is for them to navigate these awkward times. We always check in with our kids at bedtime and tell them we love them, but it can be so much more impactful when they least expect it (except in front of a pack of their peers!).