It seems like such a simple idea: say what you mean. But for many of us, there’s nothing straightforward about it. To follow, three techniques that helped this writer speak plainly.

HIT PAUSE

Sometimes we don’t say what we mean because we speak too quickly. Taking a beat is tough in fast-paced work environments or when your boss is under pressure. As someone who has started three senior roles in the past 18 months due to pandemic-related restructuring, I have had to learn how to take a moment when I don’t know the answer or haven’t formulated my opinion about something. It’s hard for a few reasons: I pride myself on being able to think on my feet and I don’t want to a disappoint people. The problem is that you can do more damage than good when you speak first, think later. At best, you might set a bad idea in motion you then have to deliver. At worst, you lose respect. So I have a new phrase that I keep in my back pocket for when I want to gather my thoughts: “I’ll get back to you on that.” It’s very effective. If you google this sentence the Internet will tell you it’s code for “I will never, ever get back to you on that,” but I have found it to be useful… so long as you follow-up promptly. 

BE BRAVE

I have started thinking something quite radical about my opinions and ideas at work: If not me, than who? If not now, then when?I’ve found these simple questions have been quite good at shutting down that inner voice many of us know all too well—the one that says you’re not good enough…. you’re an imposter… you might fail. She’s been there for decades at this point, sometimes loud and shouty and other times a whisper, depending on how far I am straying from my comfort zone. Now I give her a wave and acknowledge that she’s trying to protect me from embarrassment or rejection… and then go ahead and say what I think anyway. This isn’t a tool of my own making but (sorry podcasters and career coaches everywhere) I can’t remember where I picked it up. The key is acknowledging your fear or anxiety, but then respectfully decline its advice to keep your mouth shut. Mostly, when you do speak up, everything is fine. And every single time, you find your voice. 

FIND YOUR NO

There are loads of reasons we don’t want to say no at work, or even in life. There’s the saying many of us were raised with: “if you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all.” There’s the fact that many of us want to be agreeable. And also, as was my case as a freelancer for many years, the irrational fear this might be my very last offer of work, ever. My mantra was: “Lean in to every opportunity.” To be fair to me, at the time this came from a powerful moment for working women and a term coined by the inspiring Sheryl Sandberg (who perhaps did not intend for me to say yes to every single thing). But what I now know is that when you say “yes” to things you can’t handle or don’t have the inclination to do, resentment and anger follow. It also gets in the way of making space for the work you enjoy.  After reading some compelling advice from Brene Brown on the topic, I developed a new mantra straight from her book: “Choose discomfort over resentment.” I also came up with less confrontational ways to say “no.” Things like “my plate if full” or “I don’t have time right now” have helped me, ultimately, create boundaries. I’ve found this really does bolster my sense of self-worth when I remember to put myself first.